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letter from "Confused in Manhattan"
Dear Ms Independent
I live in New York City, and I am feeling lonely.
I recently lost a job, and I think the days spent
doing things alone can be taxing. I know many
other people probably feel the way I do in this
city, but New Yorkers are tough and rarely
express weakness. I think this is contributing
to my loneliness. I am longing for true intimacy
and connection. I have friends, and I am well-liked,
but this is something deeper. I feel the ache of
not having a soul mate. I'd like to come home to
someone. I recently started to fall for someone,
and ironically enough, I think I might have
sabotaged my chances of something happening
with him. On two dates, I was substantially late.
I feel like I don't understand my own self. On the
one hand, I feel so ready for a serious relationship,
and on the other, I feel like at the moment that it
just might happen, there is a part of me that
cannot believe it, that gets in the way, and makes
me lose track of time or a phone number. I am
angry at myself for having messed up my chances
in part with this last man. I really liked him. Then,
I did write him a poem to express my feelings for
him, and he wrote back saying that e-mail is not
the way to establish communication. Now, I am
literally at a loss for words, and loss about what it
means to love. Any ideas?
Confused in Manhattan
Answer to Confused in Manhattan
Sabotage is an understatement here and I am
glad you see it. These men that you are late to
meet and sending poems to are not for you.
Obviously, your subconscious knows it and is
helping you run away or knows you are not
emotionally ready for a serious relationship.
Possible fear of rejection?
An email is a great idea for a follow up to an
interview or your family after a visit, but not
a date, especially a poem.
Don't look so hard for love; it will come to you.
It may be under your nose and you don't know
it is there. We all have expectation of what our
life would be like if it were perfect and it usually
includes a fairytale romance, being carried off
by your prince and living happily ever after. But
be careful what you wish for. Some women spend
their whole life looking for Mr. Right, their prince
and when they do find him and the honeymoon
is over, they are disappointed; it is not as they
envisioned. There is no perfect relationship. You
may be one of the few lucky ones who will have a
wonderful courtship, then marriage. You may also
find that being single and playing the field is the
ticket for you. A lot of women enjoy their own
company better than that of a significant other.
Being happy with yourself is necessary before
you can truly be happy with another. And, as
always, being single is a million times better
then being in a bad relationship or marriage.
You may be surprised to find that some of your
married friends are most likely envious of you,
their single friend. Most people want to have
their cake and eat it too. It is nice to have
someone to come home to, but again it is also
nice to come home to a house the way you left
it. Do you like having to check in if you stop
off at the grocery store on the way home or
do you prefer to come and go as you please
without having to answer to anyone? While
you are at the store, might as well pick up that
cake that we mentioned.
The grass is always greener became a quote
for a reason, because it is true. We always
seem to be searching for something better in
our lives with the thought that we will be
happier than we are now.
New Yorkers being tougher than in the rest
of the country must mean a lot of people are
walking around not expressing any emotions
other than what it take to exist in that
environment. They couldn't be any less lonely
than the people who live in the suburbs. On
the outside we may be different, but on the
inside everyone in the world is made the
same. Only our attitudes and beliefs differ.
You need to be content with yourself and
make sure you love yourself before sharing
yourself with another.
Ms Independent
PS. From Confused in Manhattan: interesting
conclusion: I found that this person is definitely
unavailable. He is gay. Many women do like him,
and he appreciates the affection, but does not
come out honestly and say it, which is unhealthy
for everyone. This may be more common in
New York, as people tend to play games. It's
important for women to be aware of this, as
it is always a possibility.
Ms Independent
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