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letter from "Lonely in Canada"
Dear Ms Independent
I am 35,
single mom of a 5 year old. His father is not a regular in his life and I am the
stability in my child's life. I work full-time and keep in shape doing
kickboxing a few times a week. I look good. I went on my first trip in Feb. and
I met someone who lives 5 minutes from my house. He is single and we have a lot
in common. He told me straight up that he didn't want any kids of his own. He
was born without a lower limb (foot) and doesn't want a child because of this.
At first he did say that he had dated girls with kids and that it was okay if I
had one. I have been in a few abusive relationships in the past and I don't want
that anymore. This new guy isn't like that, but he never calls, said he never
called anyone else either, not just me. I go to his house and we have a great
time. The chemistry is great and in bed he is soft, tender and he calls me nice
names and holds me like he really cares. I know that he does. He has been burnt
in the past by his girlfriends cheating on him . He is afraid of my past ,
a violent ex and a child. He often tells me that I am the one for him, that I
have every quality in a women that he is looking for, but not the child. What am
I to do? Will he ever change his mind? Is this just an excuse not to get close
too quickly. Just when I think I have reached him, his heart, if feel that I
must tart over again. I can't stop thinking about him, I'm driving myself crazy.
Lately I am tired and I cry a lot. I am in love with this person. I can't eat,
can't sleep and I get butterflies when I call him or when we get close, but I
often feel depressed after we have been together because I am sad and lonely. I
don't want to be alone and I want to be with him. I have the last 2 guys that I
have dated still in love with me and are waiting by to see if I will ever come
back. Have I missed the boat. How do I get through the pain of feeling alone. We
met almost 2 months ago and he is very slow. I know that he cares about me, he
has said that he loves me. Any advice?
Lonely in Canada
Answer to Lonely in Canada
Glad to hear you are working hard to stay in shape and hope you are doing it for
all the right reasons, because of your health and you want to take care of
yourself. Not to impress anyone or to catch a man.
You mentioned that your child is not right for this man. And if you push him
into a relationship that is not right for him, he will most likely come to
resent you for it. This is regardless of whether it is between you and him, him
and your child or him and your ex.
I am sure you probably already know that 75% of second marriages fail and a part
of them are due to the children. Even though they think it will be a piece of
cake going in, some people are unable to accept step-children into their lives.
Others will be able to do it with ease, but that is an extremely exceptional
person. It doesn't help that there is usually another person involved in the
relationship, the ex, the biological father, someone who always seems to be
lurking in the foreground, not the background, but the foreground and always
seems to be there no matter what happens, they just don't go away. This can be
very intimidating to people. (believe me, even a visit once a month from the ex
may seem to be way too much). Especially, when you add in the fact that the ex
is abusive.
And a new father figure may hear a couple of "you're not my father" or a variety
of other things, which is enough to put anyone at bay. It is very difficult to
take on someone else's kid and care for them as they're your own. And a lot of
the time, only to see them respond back to you as though you were a paid nanny
or babysitter. Not to often will the children's alliance be with the stepparent
and not the natural parent.
Don't expect him to ever change his mind about your kid. It sounds like he is
using that as an excuse for other feelings. Possibly he may think he is ready to
settle down, but hasn't found the right woman yet. When he does find "the one"
he will call her. I think you are too convenient for him. And both of you are
making excuses for a relationship that you know will not work out in the long
run.
Missing the proverbial boat, not with a couple of abusive relationships. There
are better relationships you could be in. Not those that are controlling and
leaving you powerless.
Are you in love or infatuated? It has only been 2 months. Are you using him to
make the other 2 guys who are hanging out waiting for you, jealous? Or is this a
rebound relationship?
There is so much more to a relationship than sex and cuddling afterwards. Look
at how you feel about honor, respect, truth, humor and his ability to be a good
parental influence etc. How would you feel about this guy if the sex
disappeared? Honestly would you still think you are in love with him or would
you be ready to move on?
This relationship sounds doomed. I wouldn't get too involved.
If you find yourself crying and upset after you spend time with this guy,
something doesn't seem to be quite right. You should feel warm and fuzzy inside
and excited to see him again. Sounds as though at the end of every rendezvous
you become anxious that he will be leaving you. Doesn't sound very secure to me.
I would take some precious time with you child and take a break from men. You
may learn a lot about yourself while you do. And you might find that you have
been barking up the wrong tree all along. There are some really great guys out
there that are not abusive and don't play with your emotions. Some of them are
great step-dad material as well. No hurry though, men will be around forever,
but your child will only be little for a short while.
Ms Independent
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