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letter from "Ms Love"
Dear Ms Independent
Hi, I am wondering how to stop obsessing over my
boyfriends cheating. We have a child together, but he has cheated and talks to
other women on the phone. Every time he gets caught he says sorry and he won't
do it again. I want to be with him and give him time to grow up (he's almost
24) but at the same time I have so much pain and anger for him. Its a constant
battle inside me whether to stay or go. My problem is that it consumes my
thoughts and I'm always thinking of how to catch him or prevent it from
happening. I feel if I always think its happening then when I find out it won't
hurt as bad. How do I stop obsessing. I used to go through his phone and email
all the time, but he gets real mad. I just think about it so much. What do I
do?
Ms Love
Answer
to Ms Love
Sounds like
a game called emotional abuse that he’s playing with you.
My guess would be that he likes getting caught. It has become an ego booster for
him. It means he is in control over you and once again he knows you won’t go
anywhere. And to appease you he probably makes up for his infidelity in what is
known as the honeymoon stage, he treats you as though you are his new bride and
then before you know it he is back at it again. Cheating.
Sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for himself, you or your child. The
odds of him changing while he is with you in this so-called relationship are
slim. He doesn’t need to change; he has everything he wants. He has his cake and
gets to eat it too.
Curiosity makes me wonder how he would respond if you didn’t obsess over him so
much? You would be taking back some of the control in the relationship. And you
never know, you may discover that he is not the one for you.
I don’t think his cheating has anything to do with his growing up. There are
plenty of young men who are capable of having monogamous relationships. It could
be from a host of different reasons and without knowing him and his background
it is hard to speculate.
Your wanting to stay with him suggests a life of pain and sorrow. You may end up
resenting him, if you don’t already. And if he did change, will you ever feel
you can trust him?
Do you have anything to occupy your time rather than obsessing over this guy?
How about your child?
Set
some goals for yourself. Make sure they are within your reach, because if you
set them too high you will probably get discouraged. Try for a promotion at
work, do volunteer work, etc. Think of something that you really want or desire
and use it to replace your obsession with him.
You
also may want to try activities that do not require as much thought, such as
gardening, painting, build things etc. You may run the risk of obsessing while
you involved in a project, but I think you will find that they can still be an
excellent release.
Best of luck to you,
Tami
************
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