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letter from "Slacker"
Dear
Ms Independent
I have been a widow 2.25 years now. My sweetheart and soul mate died
unexpectedly at home.
I am an outgoing person, always the first to telephone call, email, write
letters, walk up to the door with homemade cookies. As I look now, I have been
without a true friend for +2 years.
Mark and I were together 24/7 as I was his caregiver with Parkinson's disease.
We never had a lot of friends, as they felt bad about visiting someone totally
disabled.
Four months ago, I moved from 'our' home and my safety nest to a new town for a
job. The job is okay, it pays the bills, it is not a career. I have no social
interaction at work. I have made many attempts at making friends at work, but
that did not happen. I am tired of being alone all the time.
As I said before, I make the contacts to others, and it is up to them to
respond. My questions are: how long will my grief last, it seems that at a drop
of a hat, since Mark and I were together 24.7 for the last six years, my pain
lessens each day, but then my heart breaks as well as the dam of tears.
I am not a bar fly, winter is still here in the north woods of Michigan, so
there is little to do outside.
Where am I to go to find a friend-not a lover, just to have someone to talk to.
I cherish my quiet time for mediation and prayers, but 16 hours a day and 48
hours a weekend is just a little too much for me.
I am not afraid to go out. I am very socialable. Would finding a secondary job
at a lower level store-Walmart, K-Mart, Walgreens actually be beneficial to
me-socially?
Thank you,
Slacker
Answer to Slacker
You have all ready started to help yourself by knowing the difference between
being lonely and being alone. Sounds as though you have learned to value time to
yourself and just wish there wasn't so much of it.
I wish I could answer your question on how long your grief will last, but
unfortunately there is not an answer. It is different for everyone.
There are ten stages of grief you may possibly go through before you achieve
acceptance.
1. Shock
2. Emotions
3. Depression and loneliness
4. Physical distress
5. Panic
6. Guilt
7. Anger and resentment
8. Resistance
9. Hope
10. Reality
There are ten stages listed here, but not all women will go through every one of
them and not all women will go through them in this particular order. From
everything you have mentioned in your letter it sounds as though you may be
stuck in the middle of the emotional, depression and loneliness stages.
Crying is a healthy form of release and it shouldn't be suppressed unless you
are in a place where it would be completely inappropriate (say a job interview)
in which case you should excuse yourself.
You may want to try scheduling a time for yourself to cry. During the day when
you have the urge to let it out, remind yourself that you have an appointment to
be emotional. Every night at, let's say 10 o'clock let it all out and when you
find you don't have enough tears to cry everyday try scheduling yourself a
particular time, but only once a week. Then bi-weekly and so on.
This may help you control any outbursts while allowing you to release your
grief. You may want to make a list of things to cry about. Then use it at your
allotted time. Writing these down is a wonderful way to help ease the tension
you coop up inside yourself. As time goes on replace the things you want to cry
about with things you are thankful for. You may find that some of the things on
your list are the same. You may still cry for them, but may find you finish with
a smile on your face. For example, you grieve for your husband, but are grateful
for the wonderful memories of him.
One of the roughest times of the day is going home. Facing that empty house is a
challenge, but can be overcome. Avoiding going to your house only delays the
inevitable and may make it more difficult to face in the long run. You may need
to make a point to go home after work even if just to grab a bite to eat.
Eventually your house should feel like a home.
Try making arrangements to participate in an evening activity. It could be at
home or a part time job a couple of days a week. How about a class at a nearby
college, church or civic center? Maybe a cooking class, an art class, a book
club or some kind of craft-work? Dancing? Do something where you can meet
people, but if you don't you can still have fun.
After you have gone several times there may be someone compatible you could ask
to go for coffee. You never know when you are going to meet a best friend,
which as you know are hard to come by. At first, in a new friendship, you may
need to take the initiative and ask every time.
When talking about your husband be careful not to chase people away by only
talking of grief. Most people will become embarrassed. But, they will accept a
casual remark about something that happened in your marriage, and it will help
you to talk about and remember the good times.
Ms Independent
************
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