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Mini
Article on Domestic Violence from
"A-Woman's-Life"
Signs to Look for in an
Abusive Personality
Many women are interested in ways they can predict whether they
are about to become involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list
of behaviors seen in people who abuse their partners. Many women do not realize that this is the beginning of
physical abuse. If a person exhibits several of the behaviors, say three or
more, there is strong potential for domestic violence. The more signs a person
has, the more likely the person is an abuser. In some cases, an abuser may have
only a few behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated
(for example, will try to explain the behavior as a sign of love and concern); a
woman may be flattered at first. As times goes on the behaviors become more
severe and serve to dominate and control the woman.
1. Jealousy At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say jealousy
is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of
possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser may question his
partner about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of
time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy
progresses, the abuser may call her frequently during the day or drop by
unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she'll meet
someone else, or even engage in behaviors such as checking her car mileage
or asking friends to watch her.
2. Controlling Behavior At first, the abuser will say this behavior is
due to his concern for her safety, her need to use her time well, or her
need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the woman is "late"
coming back from work, the store, or an appointment; the abuser will
question her closely about where she went and whom she talked with. As this
behavior progresses, the abuser may not let the woman make personal
decisions about the house, her clothing, or even going to church. The abuser
may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or
room.
3. Quick Involvement Many abused women dated or knew their abuser for
less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together.
The abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I
could ever talk to" or "I've never been loved like this by anyone". The
abuser will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way
that later the woman may feel very guilty or that she's "letting him down"
if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.
4. Unrealistic Expectations An abusive person will expect
his partner to
meet all his needs. The abuser expects a perfect wife, mother, lover,
friend. The abuser will say things such as "If you love me, I'm all you
need, and you're all I need". She is expected to take care of everything for
the abuser emotionally, and in the home.
5. Isolation The abusive person tries to cut his partner off from all
resources. If she has male friends, she is a "whore". If she has women
friends, she's a "lesbian". If she is close to the family, she's "tied to the
apron strings". The abuser accuses people who are the woman's support
system
of "causing trouble". The abuser may want to live in a rural area, without a
telephone, or refuse to let her drive a car, or the abuser may try to keep
her from working or going to school.
6. Blames Others for Problems If the abuser is chronically unemployed,
someone is always doing him wrong or out to get him. The abuser may make
mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting or keeping him from
concentrating on the task at hand. The abuser may tell the woman she is at
fault for virtually anything that goes wrong in his life.
7. Blames Others for Feelings The abuser may tell his partner
"you make
me mad", "you're hurting me by not doing what I want you to do", or "I can't
help being angry". The abuser is the one who makes the decision about what
he thinks or feels, but will use these feelings to manipulate his partner.
Harder to catch are such claims as "you make me happy" or "you control how I
feel".
8. Hypersensitivity An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings
are "hurt" when in actuality he is angry or taking the slightest setback as
a personal attack. The abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of
things that have happened, things that are just a part of living (for
example, being asked to work late, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to
help with chores, or being told some behavior is annoying).
9. Cruelty to Animals or Children Abusers may punish animals brutally
or be insensitive to their pain or suffering. An abuser may expect children
to be capable of things beyond their abilities (punishes a two year old for
wetting a diaper). The abuser may tease children or young brothers and
sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want children to eat at the table
or may expect them to be kept in their rooms when he is home. Studies
indicate that about 60% of men who physically abuse their partners also
abuse their children.
10. Playful Use of Force in Sex An abuser
may enjoy throwing the woman down, or hold her down, during sex. The abuser may want
to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. The abuser is
letting the woman know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may
show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses
sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may begin
having sex with the woman while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is
ill or tired.
11. Verbal Abuse In addition to saying things that are
intentionally meant to be cruel or hurtful, verbal abuse is also apparent in
the abuser's degrading of his partner, cursing her, and belittling her
accomplishments. The abuser tells her she is "stupid" and unable to function
without him. This may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not
letting her go to sleep.
12. Rigid Sex Roles The abuser expects his partner to
serve him. The abuser may even say the woman must stay at home and obey in
all things, even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser sees women
as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, and unable to be a whole
person without a relationship.
13. Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde Personality Many women are
confused by the abuser's sudden changes in mood. She may think the abuser
has some sort of mental problem because one minute he is agreeable and then
exploding the next minute. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people
who beat their partners. These behaviors are related to other
characteristics, such as hypersensitivity.
14. Past Abuser The abuser may say he has hit women in
the past but blame them for the abuse; "She made me do it". The woman may hear
from relatives, friend, or ex-partners that he is abusive. An abuser
will abuse any woman he is with if the relationship lasts long enough for
the violence to begin situational circumstances do not make one's
personality abusive.
15. Threats of Violence This includes any threat of
physical force meant to control the partner: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", or
"I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their
partners abusers will try to excuse their threats by saying "everyone
talks like that".
16. Breaking or Striking Objects Breaking loved
possessions is used as a punishment but mostly to terrorize the woman into
submission. The abuser may beat on a table with his fists or throw objects
around or near his partner. Not only is
this a sign of extreme immaturity, but there is great danger when someone
thinks he has the right to punish or frighten his partner.
17. Any Force during an Argument This may involve the
abuser's holding the woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the
room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold his partner against the
wall, telling her "you're going to listen to me".
Reference: Interact of Wake
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