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Mini
Article on Domestic Violence from
"A-Woman's-Life"
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE it's a
fact !
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is the threat of or the use of violence or intimidation, by an
intimate partner to gain and maintain power and control over another person. It
can be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual or financial.
Defining the problem
Domestic violence also called relationship abuse, dating violence, family
violence, battering, and spousal abuse is the use of abusive behavior among
people who are married, living together, or have an on-going or prior intimate
relationship. Domestic violence is intentional and often occurs in a recurring
pattern. Although men can be and are abused, approximately 95 per cent of the
victims of domestic violence are female. We say approximately because some
battered women feel too afraid and ashamed to disclose what's happening to them
in their own homes.
It is a commonly held belief that battering only happens to low-income,
uneducated, disadvantaged women. But according to the FBI, an estimated four to
six million American women are battered every year, or as frequently as every 18
seconds. Statistics also show that one in every two women in this country will
encounter some form of physical violence at some point in her life. This does
not mean that fifty per cent of all men are batterers, but that those who do are
not held accountable for their actions, and are free to move on to their next
victim, with little of no consequence.
In this regard, the term domestic violence is misleading, because it does not
accurately reflect who is being victimized, and to what extent; violence against
women would be a more statistically accurate term. Furthermore, words like
"lover's quarrel," or "spat," are also misleading, because they trivialize the
level of violence against women in their own homes. This often prevents the
general public from understanding the true nature of the problem, which explains
why, for so long, the issue did not bring about much open discussion, and little
legislative action to prevent it.
Domestic violence is a frightening and humiliating experience and is often a
premeditated use of coercion, intimidation and threats by the abuser to
establish dominance, and gain power and control over the victim.
More often than not, domestic violence involves the use of physical force, but
can also include isolation, or emotional, sexual, and economic abuse. These
terms have extremely broad definition; note the following examples:
Physical abuse can mean hitting, punching, kicking, slapping, strangling,
hair pulling, shoving, scratching, pinching, arm twisting, mutilation, burning,
pushing, biting, stabbing, shooting, throwing objects, even excessive tickling.
Emotional abuse includes extreme jealousy, derogatory name-calling, crazy
making, public humiliation, excessive criticism, constant rejection, ignorance
feelings, destruction of valued property or pets, threats, and
withholding affection.
Abusers Isolate their partners by locking them in rooms or closets for
extended periods; denying them access to family, friends, and/or support
systems; abandoning them in dangerous places; moving frequently from city to
city, state to state, or even country to country (this can happen often with
military families); denying access to the family vehicle or public
transportation; and limiting access to outside sources of information, such as
newspapers and radio/television broadcasts.
Sexual abuse is particularly devastating for women because it violates
the very core of her intimate relationship with her partner. Infidelity,
withholding affection, rape and incest all constitute sexual abuse.
Financial abuse occurs then the abuseršs controlling behavior creates
economic dependency. For example, not allowing a partner to get or keep a job;
not paying child-support; denying access to financial resources, such as credit
cards, and checking and savings accounts; deliberately ruining a partner's
credit rating; threatening to discontinue insurance coverage for the children,
or refusing to pay of assist with child are. Should a separation occur he may
purchase expensive non-essential items, such as jewelry, and stereo systems with
money budgeted for essentials.
It is not uncommon for battered women to deny being abused; primarily because
the abuser habitually denies, minimizes, and/or rationalizes his abusive
behavior. His denial often makes her feel crazy. For example, he may say, "I
didn't hit you that hard", or apologize profusely after a severe beating
promising never to strike her again, only to repeat his behavior shortly
thereafter. Other crazy making behaviors include:
Ignoring her when she tries to have
a conversation with him
Calling her paranoid or over
reactive
when she confronts his
inappropriate
behavior
Incessant lying
Consistently saying one thing and
doing another
As a result, she may become numb to her emotional and physical pain, thus
disabling her ability to analyze the distorted reality of her living situation.
To compensate, she may then begin to blame herself for her partner's behavior or
attribute the problems to substance abuse, temperament, or even stress. While
substance abuse and stress can certainly exacerbate a domestic violence
situation, they do not cause domestic violence and therefore should not be
blamed for the problem.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE includes but is not limited to:
Using intimidation Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
like smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons.
Using emotional abuse Putting her down, making her feel bad about
herself, calling her names, making her think she is crazy, playing mind games,
humiliating her or making her feel guilty.
Using isolation Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to,
what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy
to justify actions.
Minimizing, denying and blaming Making light of the abuse and not
taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting
responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.
Using children Making her feel guilty about the children, using the
children to relay messages
Using male privilege Treating her like a servant, making all the big
decisions, acting like the "master of the castle", being the one to define men's
and women's roles.
Using economics Preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making
her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money, not letting her
know about or have access to family income.
Using coercion and threats Making and or threatening to do something to
hurt her, threatening to leave her, threatening to commit suicide, to report her
to welfare, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things.
It is all POWER AND CONTROL.
On the other hand, there is NONVIOLENCE, which includes but is not
limited to:
Non-threatening behavior talking and acting so that she feels safe, and
comfortable expressing herself and doing things.
Respect Listening to her non-judgmentally, being emotionally affirming
and understanding, valuing opinions.
Trust and support Supporting her goals in life and respecting her right
to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
Honesty and accountability Accepting responsibility for yourself,
acknowledging past use of violence, admitting being wrong, communicating openly
and truthfully.
Responsible parenting Sharing parental responsibilities and being a
positive non-violent role model for the children.
Shared responsibility Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
and making family decisions together.
Economic partnership Making money decisions together, making sure both
partners benefit from financial arrangements.
Negotiation and fairness Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to
conflicts, accepting change, being willing to compromise.
EQUALITY
Keys to a Healthy Relationship
Self Esteem
ˇ How you feel about yourself
ˇ Liking who are when you are with others
Boundaries
ˇ Physical and emotional limits a person sets in a relationship
ˇ Respecting those limits
Communication
ˇ How you share your thoughts and feelings
ˇ Working out differences and conflicts with respect
Freedom
ˇ Having equal opportunities to make choices and decisions
ˇ Knowing you can agree to disagree
It's up to you to get a lock on a good relationship
Take a closer look at what to do in a healthy relationship!
DO talk openly and freely, even when disagreeing
DON'T hit, slap, punch, push or threaten to do these things
DO spend time apart, with other friends or family
DON'T try to change another person
DO consider the other person's feelings
What do you see in your relationship?
If you are a victim remember:
You are not to blame for the violence
You don't deserve the abuse
You can stop the violence
Develop a safety plan
Call a crisis line
Reference: Interact of Wake | |
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